I wanted to be the most beautiful princess on the ball. Dancing with the prince, floating through the golden rooms full of flowers.
I thought being an entrepreneur would be romantic. All day long. From the moment I would awake at dawn. Everyday when the sun arise. I would do my yoga, eat some fruit, drink an aroma tasteful coffee and say hi to the birds in the garden. I would start work by reading some emails in my decorated study room. Lovely emails with delicate words. Suggestions, inspirations and invitations to join. Quickly I would answer them, and schedule my new appointments in my Moleskine agenda.
I would check my day. I would write. Write a lot. And I would always be inspired to write. The words would flow out of my heart to my hands, while typing. It would be poetry captured in a no-nonsense story. Because I love no-nonsense stories. The sentences dancing of the paper, while the context brings us back to nature and solid ground. Making me happy.
I would walk out the door into the world. Jumping on my bike, riding over the canals in my hometown Amsterdam. The sun would reflect on the stones beneath me. I would sing, and no one would watch me. They would only smile in themselves, and it would brighten up the day.
At my following appointment I would coach some people on communication skills. That’s what I do best. That’s what I love to do. People would find new insights, fresh thinking and lot’s of epiphanies to enrich their daily life with. It would be a fruitful meeting in which people would empower each other and new collectives would start.
After that I would have a lunch. Salads and fruits. On a terrace near the water. I would be happy listening to the silence and the sound of a boat bumping at the waterside. I wouldn’t think or worry. Being totally in the moment. Not rushing to the next thing on my to-do-list.
In the afternoon I would be at a brainstorm session. Creating new adventures in public area. How to connect groups and keeping their autonomy intact. How to empower the city without pushing people around. How to use theatre for juveniles in the best possible way. Full of enthusiasm and inspiration I would ride to my yoga school. Follow a lesson. Get to myself and come at ease again. Breathing the day.
My transition from day till evening would go smoothly. Even easy. Tranquillo and soft. I would see friends in a lively neighborhood. Have a dinner appointment, or visit a concert in the park. And everything would be totally fine. Peaceful and full of bliss.
The next day would be the same as today. And God, how I would be happy.
But. Unluckily this wasn’t how it ended up. On the moment when I became en entrepreneur. This was not my reality. In reality. I wake up far to late. Even when I’m early. I rush to the coffee. Because it makes me feel in control of my spirit. I take a shower to pretend I’m busy being happy and creative.
I don’t say hi to the birds. Because it’s freezing outside and they never talk back to me. After a week I was done speaking out lout without getting any response. Besides that, the birds shit on my balcony. I told them several times – no, I politely asked them – to quit it, but even then they ignored me.
I open my computer while thinking of my day. Is there any appointment? Is there somebody out there wanting anything to do with me. Seeing my talents, skills, and my inner light that can make this world – really – a tiny bit prettier. Is it. In reality I am not in the moment at all.
I worry while writing my book. How can it ever be a good book if my energy is not in the book, but in the outcome of the book. In the obstacles that I’m scared to face. And what if. What if the book becomes a success? Will I still be free to change all my wishes and become a gardener or start a flower shop without disappointing people again? By leaving. It’s my main theme in life. Once I’m home, I want to leave again. On the second I feel trapped into expectations and rules of engagement, my inner body starts to dance and tells me to flee. Because being here isn’t good enough. There must be something more beautiful just around the corner. Always.
I jump on my bike after my third coffee and I rush to my coaching appointment. The canals are crowded with tourists finding their way to the Anne Frank museum. Or the red light district. Whatever. They are not aware of bicycles so I bump twice into a group of backpackers and Asian people. Of course I’m to late at the meeting. But they forgive me. Some things are nice.
In the afternoon I have to do my administration. My taxes. being my own personal secretary. It sounded marvelous and romantic when I started. It could be the foundation of my whole being, I thought. In fact I hate it every single moment. I put it on delay. But I figured out already very quickly that’s a stupid choice to make.
The transition at the end of the day is bumpy every day. Nothing smooth to slide into. I forget to eat, because I’m busy playing guitar, calling a friend, or writing a blog about my frustrations. I complain to myself for not going to yoga again. And again. When it’s to late I start eating soup. Because you have to eat something instead of cookies, and yes – I do manage that.
But. From today on I promise myself to start living my fairytale life. As I promised myself before. From today on I won’t wait anymore for that special moment in which all comes together. Because I know that moment is always there. No matter what. I am the creator of moments. No one else. And ok. I will talk to birds again.